Having a hard time

katiedid · Having a hard time

My wife broke up with me about 2 months ago. I am transsexual (a fact my wife knew well before deciding to become my wife) & when I started transitioning she started having all these irrational fears pop up (we worked through each of them with logic & found that they either had simple solutions or weren't founded in logic themselves). She let them over take her, refused counseling & wouldnt talk to me about them anymore. In the end she decided she couldn't feel the same about herself being in a lesbian couple (she's bi, but as they say, homophobia starts at home), and decided "if I'm equally attracted to boys & girls I might as well pick whichever one makes my life easier". This was a snap descision, we started talking that morning & by the evening she left me.

So she ended things, but she didnt move out. We resolved to stay friends & roommates (for me this meant I wanted time to try & reconcile, for her it means she can stay on my insurance). I since then have come to my senses & realized that even if she does want to get back together, for whatever reason, I don't want to be in a relationship with her (I don't wanna be in this situation ever again, nor am I interested in facing transphobia & homophobia from my own partner. So I'm having trouble being civil to her. We just signed a lease & I'm stuck with her for another 11 months now. Every day I see her I want her back. She acts towards me like were still a couple, touching & kissing. When I reciprocate, she tells me off, and tells me I'm doing something bad. I love her & resent her at the same time. I like girls, she likes girls. But in the end it comes down to I would walk through fire for her & stand up for her and hold her no matter what, but she won't even face herself.

I just don't know what to do, and I'm not sure if I'm posting here for oppinions or pity or maybe I just want someone who understands me. Whatever, thanks for reading & that's for responding however you do, if you do.

<3
Kate

Cheeto31 · Wow

I couldn't even imagine. Just to understand, are you MTF? The struggles we have in the gay community with our family/ friends/ and just the random stranger on the street.... can be difficult and challenging. But for your partner, who was aware of WHO you ARE, to put you through such a thing.... I just don't know if I would have to strength to have made it to the point you are at.

As far as you sharing the same space. That’s just trouble. You both need time to work through your individual issues, and seeing each other everyday will make that impossible. Especially with the mixed signals. You might be friends down the road, but you both need some space and time. To get out of your lease, she needs to sign it accepting full responsibility for the terms or one of you needs to find someone that would like to move in and sing the lease over.

I hope things workout for you. You are obviously a strong person to have made it to this point.

Catou

I find you very courageous. Very courageous to live as who you are and be who you need to be. I can understand that for her accepting something and actually living it might of been harder than anticipated but that doesn't excuse her behaviour, why would she refuse conselling and why would she just leave you like that. She isn't being fair, breaking up but then touching and kissing you but getting upset if you do the same. I agree with Cheeto31 you should try and move out, it would help you greatly, you don't need all this shit. Hang in there, let us know how its going.

katiedid

Yeah, I'm MTF.
The issue with leaving the lease, is that the reason she is here is because I asked her to stay while i was still in the whole mindset of winning her back. Her other option was to move back to california, where were from.
So, I'm responsible for her being here and being stuck in Chicago. Now I would be asking her to go back there. Its a tough thing to do.

Catou

Well, you could look at it this way, its not better than her saying she didn't have a problem with you being a transexual and then going all funny on you. I would tell her the truth tell her that your really did want to her stay when you said so but its much much harder than you thought it would be and that you think it would be better for both of you if you didn't live under the same roof anymore.

katiedid

Thanks for the help. It really is hard though, I have so little courage, but it needs to be said. I think we need to do something that involves much less time together.
I'm not entirely sure if that emans not living together, as thats a big thing, but something.

Thaks again for the help.
Kate

marcipants

Wow, Katie, my heart really goes out to you. I'm sorry that you have to go through all this. You might not be stuck with her for 11 months, however. Maybe you could talk to your landlord and see if you could possibly get someone to sublet?

Cheeto31

Katie, I can understand the difficulty you are having in asking her to move. But Catou is right. I’ve been in your X's situation… moved a long way from home for a relationship that I thought would really work. In the end it didn’t and I had to except that it was my choice to move, not my partners. No it wasn’t easy… and I’m sure it won’t be for your X… but neither is what you are going through. If you both decide that staying in the some place is mutually beneficial then you might want to set some ground rules. It’s not right for her to push you away but expect you to be there at her convenience. I hope you work things out for you.

katiedid

yeah, i have been formulating some ground rules.
It really is beneficial to both ofus to livei n the same place, its sad to say, but its a big house & rent is VERY cheap.

we have 3 rooms & she is goingto move into the back one & off the couch soon. So It would be like she lived elsewhere, as the back door is in that room. So we would just share the middle of the house.

Add to that some rules & i think we will have a good relationship eventually.

Cheeto31

I hope so. It sounds like you are moving in a positive direction. Good for you Girl! Razz

katiedid

teh spikey

I'm not sure why.. but transphobia like this always makes me sad for humanity...even more so than homophobia.

Someone close to me is trans, MtF lesbian. If you need anything, support, advice, whatever, let me know, and ill put her in touch with you.

katiedid

Well thanks for the offer.
Not that im in any particular need of support or advice, but i do always enjoy talking to otehr transdykes(especially ones who have friends, cuz like 90% of trans people i have met are crazy).
So in short, i'd love to be put in touch with her.