sexually baffled...

Sniper Wolf · sexually baffled...

This seems like a bad idea. In fact, I'm 75% certain that posting this is a bad idea... but it's, like, 4AM. My better judgment is shot and, hell, I'm just tired of wading through the murky, spam-clogged depths of Google.

I'm a female. I'm a gamer. I'm probably not a lesbian. Since I have no clue what the hell I am, I went off on a - shockingly, not drunken - whim to look for a site to lament to. I found dead boards, I found debate boards, and I found a glut of teen boards that made me feel like I'd missed Understanding Your Sexuality 101 by, about, two or three years. Rolling Eyes

To cut to the chase, after hours of fruitless forum-hopping, I found myself here and decided, Screw it. Close enough. I'm sorry if this sort of thing is frowned upon. While I'm in desperate need of advice right now, I've found it also helps to just collect my thoughts and send them out into the world. Either way, hopefully I'll get some insight on this whole mess.

I'm 22. I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years. A few months ago, due to a family crisis, I was left, essentially, homeless. My boyfriend's a great guy. He stepped in without being asked, and moved quite some distance away with me so that I could afford somewhere to stay that wasn't meth lab adjacent.

I love him.

But then it all comes back to the fact that I'm 22! We've been together for 5 years! He was my first real relationship. Anything before that hardly made it to the one month mark.

Ironically, there was a running joke between us when we first started dating. If I ever decided to leave him, it would have to be for a woman. Well, at about 17, I started realizing that might not be so far off base. It's a bit difficult to put into words. I'm more easily attracted to men than women. I tend to judge women more critically/expect more of them/be jealous of them. On the flip side, on an emotional level - if our personalities click - the woman wins hands down.

To avoid getting into my life story here, I'll get to the point... I adore my boyfriend. I don't want to lose him, but over the last few years I've been gradually losing interest. After a lot of soul searching, I'm pretty confident it's stemming from my inexperience. Now we're living together and it's worse than ever. One step closer to serious commitment, and I've never had a chance to pursue these feelings I have about women.

We've never discussed it much. It makes him uncomfortable for... pretty obvious reasons. I'm really at a loss as to what to do. Given that we just moved in together, and the fact that I'm not financially independent (quite yet) by any means, it's an awkward time to go, "Hey, maybe we should take a break while I figure some things out."

Well, now that I'm finished rambling it's nearly 5AM. Took longer to collect my thoughts and convince myself to post than I thought it would. Again, I apologize if this thread is completely out of line. Only my best friend knows about my little problem, so when I decided to run crying to the internet (Totally the best place to run crying to, right?) I decided against posting at places I normally frequent; so, I'm doubly sorry about jumping into this right from post #1. But thanks for reading, I greatly appreciate any advice offered.

Platform_Jumper

Don't worry. Sexuality is such a complex thing I don't think there's really a way to pin it down.

I'm in that rut, myself.

I'm 22 years old, a virgin, never dated....

I think guys are so fucking badass and awesome... and I tend to fangirl more over them... but when it comes down to actually being with them or them asking me out.. I just get so bothered by it. I'm so uncomfortable with the idea.

The one time I did kind of kiss someone, it was a female, and it felt really good.

Even though I don't tend to lust over girls... the idea of being emotionally close to a girl or intimate doesn't freak me out at all, however.

So lately I'm kinda feeling I might be on the girl side of the fence even if I don't act like it.

though it's still something I struggle with understanding. Lately I've just kinda decided to live and see what happens.

Maz

I think the issue of feeling like you're losing interest is pretty common amongst people in long term relationships, whether they're hetero or homosexual. I've been in that boat myself, after being with someone for a year who I cared about, but kept wondering if there was more out there. I wasn't looking for a hotter person or anything along those lines, but I had had very limited dating and relationship experiences and though that it was a little too early to settle down at only 21. I wanted to experience more and see what was out there. Its a big step to 'throw' away everything you have to venture off into the unknown, but I guess its a question as to if you will be comfortable when you get older and look back and think "what if?". Another question you have to ask yourself is if you can see yourself with your boyfriend in the much longer term and if you can see yourself growing old with him. That was hard for me to admit to myself that as much as I cared and loved that particular person, there was always a part of myself that i couldnt see beyond 10 years.

Its definitely not an easy decision, and you may have to be ready for days of severe loneliness and will prob encounter superficial lesbians out there, especially amongst the clubbing scene, but at least you won't grow up asking yourself "what if?". There's also nothing worse than being in a relationship where you grow a little resentful of your partner because they were the reason you never got a chance to do something you felt important to your own personal growth.

Maybe it might be a good idea before making any big decisions, to go and join GLBT clubs or sports teams(soccer and footy is popular with the lesbians over here) and get to know a few lesbians and make friends. Getting to know 'the other side of the fence' might give you a good idea of the types of women out there and whether women are able to provide the type of relationship you'd be happy in without completely having to give up your current relationship. But always be truthful with him and watch out if you do start to have feelings for any new women friends, its easy to mistake emotional connection and love with women. My gay boys know how many times I've fallen in 'love' with girls. Women tend to bond easier, but it doesnt mean it'll translate into a healthy relationship.

Well that's my long 2 cents, sorry for being so long winded, i've had to ask myself the same questions lately so i've had to do quite a bit of soul searching too. Hope it helps Smile

PS. Stay away from lesbians you get infatuated with because they have some sob story and think you can fix their scared heart, chances are they'll end up ripping yours into shreds. I fell into that trap before.

Maz

Oh and welcome to the forums, everyone is welcome here, think the whole point is just to have a bit of safe space for lesbians to talk games without being shot down with homophobic comments.

My suggestion earlier about joining a LGBT club is something i'm trying out this semester at uni because even though i'm a freaking fag hag to too many gay boys, my social network of lesbian is very very limited. We've got queer societies set up at universities here which has a very strong network of like minded individuals and get involved with activities beyond the boring club scene. its a pretty small community where I live so we don't really have any other social groups for mature young adults that aren't solely interested in binge drinking and going to the same club every weekend to party and pop pills. Hopefully you'll have more luck if you decide to pursue this idea.

Rynnbow

You could try bring a girl into bed with both of you if you're both comfortable with it.

Sniper Wolf

Thanks for all the replies. I just wandered in from work, so it's the middle of the night and I'm dead tired. Excuse the, possibly, incoherent rambling on my part.

grillnaz

im not a relationship person, right now its just get laid... i'd maybe do something casual in terms of relationships if i did meet someone who went beyond the barrier. but i think fk as many people as you can. your never going to be as beautiful as you are now at twentywhatever...
every new person i sleep with i learn something new. i love people. my best friend who is a guy can also manage to stay friends with virtually all his ex's on a real good level, so i learn from him so i don't have to avoid people on the street or at a club etc.(which is what you might be feeling if you went and broke up im guessing, i dont know why so many people feel you can never speak to them again)

seriously get out there and have some fun stop hiding behind this shell! you will so regret it later in life.

veggiespork

If gay people can go on straight gaming sites, straight people should be able to go on gay gaming sites!

But...eh...I can't really help you much. I mean, personally, I would advise taking it slow, not doing anything you are uncomfortable with, and trying to understand his point of view while making sure you understand his.

Good luck! Smile

NightSky

Well, that's a pickle. Firstly, let me tell you that you sound almost exactly like me at 22. I don't want to get too much into my story but it parallels yours a lot and I can definitely relate to what you are feeling (except mine is in regards to experience rather than sexuality. I'm bi ). I want to say a lot but unfortunately I don't have time right now. I'm supposed to be getting ready for class. Maybe I'll PM ya. That might be more appropriate. I'll be back! Smile

redtiebear

Hokay, so I was about to join the site, then I saw this, then I KNEW I had to, if only to help you out, just a little.

Because you see, I recently broke up with my ex-boyfriend about a few months ago before coming out of the closet. We dated around five years, and we also had the joke that if I were to ever leave him, it would be for a girl. After college, he wanted me to move in with him, and when I broke up with him, I discovered he'd been saving up for a ring. We were a great team, and we made each other laugh, and cared very deeply for each other. Only problem was, every time you-know-what rolled around, I kind of mentally headed for the hills.

Now, while I wasn't in the dire straits you seem to be in now, it IS important to be frank and emotionally honest to yourself of all people. One of the biggest, most important questions you need to ask yourself is how you feel about your relationship as a whole. From what you say, it sounds a lot more like you're bi than gay or straight, per se, but you might even want to analyze previous feelings you've had for the same sex. Has a woman ever interested you as much as your boyfriend? Could the lack of interest merely result from the usual sexual routine? The final thing that got me out of that relationship (for I sincerely think I'd still be back there if it wasn't for this) wasn't so much the sex, but remembering that the strongest feeling of love and attractive I'd ever had was for a girl (a really good friend of mine, but that's another story), and as much as I loved my boyfriend, it was never anything like I had experienced for her.

Are you simply not sexually interested in him anymore, or all men? It can seem a bit shallow and callous, but if you resume this relationship with no hope of that aspect improving, it's a lot like being with a sibling than a lover. I'm not going to say outright that you SHOULD take a break to explore these feelings, but you SHOULD know, that there is never anything better that you can do for your relationship than communicate. It may be an uncomfortable topic for you to share with him, but remember, you love each other, and should be able to discuss anything, ESPECIALLY something as important as this. He should at least be able to hear you out; keeping it in the dark is only going to make matters worse.

There are a lot of things I'm sure you've thought about, but now, it's time to discuss (Rationally, I hope. Getting out of control helps nobody). It's all up to you now, muffin. Good luck! Very Happy

I believe in you!

Seeress5200

My advice is simple, but an approach few people take. Tell him everything you're feeling. If he's the guy you think and say, he'll understand. He might even be willing to let you go and experiment. Also, guys find lesbians sexy, so you probably won't find any resistance.

You could even suggest a threesome- maybe a stretch, but it depends on how sexually open you both are. You might find that you both really enjoy it.

But I would fight for it. He sounds like a great guy, and you shouldn't reward him for helping you by lying to him or leaving.